The Sports Comedians

Is Juan Pierre on steroids. He hit 2 home runs this year.

Category: MLB

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ticle/9138065/identify_the_signs_of
_steroid_use_and.html?cat=14

If knowing the risks, athletes continue to use steroids anyway, why not find out what you can gain from steroid use without ever using them yourself? In the words that follow I will examine the different signs of steroid use, and tell you how you can identify them in potential fantasy athletes on your way to a championship. 

One sure sign of steroid use is great play, but if a player is already putting up big numbers it will likely be too late, as others will already be aware of them. The trick is to find someone who has started using steroids but has not yet translated that decision into big-time stats.

 

What to watch for

The changes in ones’ body related to steroid use can fit into three main categories. They are:

Internal changes (i.e. change in blood pressure or effects on certain organs): 
Since these changes are not visible, they are useless… at least for the purposes of this article. Unless you’re a doctor for professional athletes, in that case, get in touch with me.

External, yet private changes (i.e. shrinking of the testicles): 
If you’re some how are in the position to check out an athletes’ baby sacks before drafting them, then you’ve got a leg up on us all.

External and noticeable changes (i.e. severe acne, aggression, etc.): 
These are going to be the changes you’ll want to keep an eye out for. Here are some of them:

Acne
Acne is something you’ll want to look for in post game interviews when players can often be seen with their shirts off. Do not be afraid to press pause and move within inches of the screen to examine his body for red bumps, regardless of who is in the room with you.

Change in size
Look at a player’s height and weight from one year to the next. If a player is coming into the season 50-lbs. heavier than the year before, he’s your guy! On the same note, if the athlete somehow grows one, two, or any inches for that matter, then he’s found a super steroid, and you shouldn’t hesitate to pull the trigger on him come draft day.

Rage
Off-field incidents (run-ins with the law, locker room blow ups, etc) are key indicators of a big season ahead. The rage that comes with steroid use can make headlines that you should be watching for. With this strategy you’ll need to be prepared to lose players to suspensions. You will get some suspensions.

A perfect example of this last indicator is Miguel Cabrera. One particular off-season he was pulled over for driving under the influence (while ignoring the arresting officers and swigging from a bottle of scotch). During that same night he entered a bar after closing and told the employees he had a bomb in his backpack and should be served booze. Now, I can’t say that these actions were the result of steroid use. It could have been good old-fashioned alcoholism, but the aggression shown is common with steroid users. Cabrera went on to hit .314 with 36 homers and 119 RBIs that season. If you had identified his behavior as a player boiling over on steroids and drafted him, then you were rewarded.

I realize this article seems like I am encouraging you to profit of another man’s dangerous behavior, and that’s because I am. These millionaires are doing just fine without our sympathy, and if you’re fantasy leagues get as competitive as mine, then it is best to forget ethics and take the Al Dais approach: “Just win, baby!”

Category: Fantasy

I am a horrible tennis player.  But, I was out Wednesday night with a few friends playing tennis; out of shape and out of practice.  Since I was getting tired of bending over to pick up balls, I stuffed my shorts with no less than 5 tennis balls before I began my serve in one of the games. 

I must have looked ridiculous because my opponent said "Super Gnat, what do you have in your pants?"  I said "Nothing, it's just my tennis balls."

My opponent responded; "That must be painful!  I had tennis elbow once and thought I was going to die!".

Game, set, match.

Category: Tennis

Pedro Martinez portrait unveiled at Smithsonian

AP Update:   March 26, 2011

To the surprise of the museum staff, two senior citizens in the first group to view the portrait were mysteriously knocked to the ground and required medical attention. No explanation was provided but it was noted that both men were bald and while heat stroke was suspected, it was ruled out due to the summer-weight pinstripe shirts they wore.



Category: MLB

In a surprise move prior to the 2010 BCS championships play, the BCS in co-ordination with the NCAA announced a new revolutionary championship program.
THe NCAA has agreed that all Div I programs will only play two games for the regular season, one must be a conference game. The BCS will then bid on who they want to play in a playoff style set up with winners advancing through a series of eight more games until the the National Championship game that will be played in California at the Rose Bowl.
Teams that do not get an invitation after two games will continue to a regular seasn of 11 games. After each week the BCS will invite additonal teams into the playoff system to compete for the National Championship to maintain a balance in the scheudling for the playoff style schedule.If teams elect to not join in the playoffs and just play a regular season they forfeit any chance to be invited during the playoffs. If they elect to play in the playoffs the remainer of their schedule will be auctioned to Div II and non-BCS teams which will then have an opportunity to gain national notiriety and a posssible invite to the big game base on who they beat.
The new system allows teams to win a national championship "ON THE FIELD". It also does not lock in the so called BCS teams but only gives 'unknowns' a shot if they can beat the so called big boys on the field. Games will be played at home fields of the higher ranked team but will have to split the gate with the opponent 60-40.
The new 9 week playoff system culminting in a National Championship game appears to be the perfect balance making everybody happy- the ultimate sin-sin situation. Nothing seems to be lost for anybody and the 'Championship being played on the field" and not the polls is finally going to be a reality. Smaller schools will now have a legitimate opportunity to get recognition but only by beating a big school. THe money for bowls will go to schools that are expected to win but only in the first week, then shifting to the schools that only win on the field. The POLLS will still have some relevance but will not determine WHO is number one or number two. Schools that lose will be delegated to filling their schedule with small profile schools on their schedule until they will so conferences will have an impact but not at the season progresses.
The BCS is expected to higher an exective committee right after the BCS championship game in Jan 2011 that will be comprised of one memeber from each BCS conferences and 6 at large representatives. They will be laisons to the Bowl sponsors and assure that preferntial treatment is not given to any school or conference for offers. There is an expectation that the Directors' position will be offered to Bernie Madoff who has experience in these types of pyramid palyoffs.

Category: NCAAF